February 9, 2010

  • I Have A Dream

    I made a decision lately that I feel compelled to write down – I will not be ashamed of my dreams (anymore). Anymore because that was what I sometimes actually feel when people ask me about what I’d like to do with my life.

    So I don´t want to be an engineer for my whole life, so I don´t see myself as ever being passionate about what my major in university was, so I have other  plans for myself which has nothing to do with what is earning me my somewhat comfortable living now. So what if all these are true? Am I going to be bogged down by my own dream? So what if I tell you I want to be a writer? An editor? An entrepreneur? Own my own magazine?

    Lets talk cause and effect, as my engineering background has so victoriously trained me to be. Most of the time I find myself shying away from questions regarding my passion and dreams because I am surrounded by people who have different passion as I do. The key word here is different. They are academician, doctorate holders, scientists, IT-freaks and everything that I am not. And I have this unhealthy tendency of trying too hard to “speak his language” when speaking to someone, which I suspect stems from my natural need to please my audience. I make up fake dreams and ambition (“Oh maybe I will do a PhD once I have the time.”) just so that I could converse with my audience on their level and not feel like a outcast from this community infested with intellectuals and over-achievers (both titles subjected to interpretation, of course).

    The effect of my insecurity? I am believing in myself less and less everyday. I am so afraid that one day I will wake up thinking that what I think I should do really is what I want to do. I am afraid that I will be so daunted by reality that I will forget the exhilaration of chasing after the impossible. I am afraid that I will cage in to societal expectations. I am afraid that I will opt for the easy way out and be just another frustrated soul in the society pining for something that feeds their stomach instead of their soul. I fear for my fear of failure. I fear for the deteriorating value of my passion and everything that I have promised myself back in the days when I was still this bright-eyed 18 year old, confident and fearless.

    Let this be a solemn note to myself  to always, always remember this – obedient women never make history. I’d rather be jailed for mis-behaving than to rot in a fairyland of complacency.

January 3, 2010

  • Twenty Ten

    The year 2009 ended on a sombering note for me. I felt somewhat melancholic and restless while ushering in the new year, but cant really pinpoint why.

    Has it really been one year? Two entries below it was my annual transition post for year 2008/2009 and now here I am, already in year 2010?

    It has been a whirlwind year.

    I started out the year feeling positive, energized and hopeful. And quite honestly, the year didn’t disappoint. My first year as a working adult has taught me so much and has left me almost breathless. I was given many opportunities to learn and to take initiative, some I grab, some I let slip. The excitement and novelty from 2008 did somewhat wear off though, and I figure it was for the better. I still did have a lot of fun, and compared to the year before, last year felt a lot more substantial and well, genuine.

    I traveled to another country almost every other month, either for work and/or for leisure. It was exciting and demanding at the same time. China was dazzling, enriching and intoxicating. I met up with two cousins of mine whom I haven’t seen in years. Both of them have grown up albeit in different ways, with two distinctive personalities which were somewhat a condensed version of what that country is like/could do to a person. And I decided that it isn’t a country that I would want to work/live there for long. Japan was mind-boggling and fascinating. It is a country of extremes and contradictions. I loved the food and the people’s civic mindedness and the efficiency of well, everything. But the working style and certain japanese mentality were a bit of a turn off for me. Italy was flamboyant, breath-taking and delicious. Beautiful people and landscape aplenty and good food abundant, I had one of my most memorable trips ever in Cinque Terre. A big part due to the amazing friends I was with.

    I attended three conferences in three different countries. Met awesome people from different scientific institutes all over the world, presented a paper in a major conference, witnessed the vast contrast between a well organized conference and a bad one, experienced first-hand the influence of a country’s culture and the people’s mentality on its organizational proceedings, made a lot of new friends and reconnected with some old ones. I am still trying to get used to my non-student status and honestly, the readjustment didn’t come naturally to me. I had to constantly remind myself that I am not here to fool-around anymore and that I have responsibilities and expectations and other boring what-nots to fulfill, and there were moments when this realization hit me hard and left me painfully aware of my inadequacy and awkwardness. But as always, I thrived through and believe that I will keep doing so.

    The move from France to Geneva was one of the best decisions I made last year. I got to know the city so much better and had so much fun exploring all the nooks and corners. I can’t say enough how much I love having everything from the Geneva lake to various restaurants, theaters, pubs, parks etc so accessible from where I live.

    Last year I promised myself to write and read more and I am very happy that I did. Started a newsletter at CERN and was happily re-acquainted with the perks and quirks of being an editor. Although it took up a lot of my time but once in a while an email of appreciation or congratulation will pop up in my inbox and all my frustrations and fatigue will just vanish magically. On the reading side, I can’t believe I waited until I was 26 to read Orwell’s 1984! It was such a gem. Other interesting reads includes: Sophie’s world, a confederacy of dunces, Guns Germs and Steel. With the risk of sounding pompous and pretentious, re-igniting my reading habit was probably my best achievement last year.

    I also kept my promise of playing more music. I started playing keyboard in a band and we had two public performances so far. Oh and we recorded a CD in a real studio too, which is yet to be released and hmm frankly I am not very proud of the result. But the recording experience did bring me another first in my life though – first time appearing on national swiss TV as Melanie Fiona’s band. :)

    I learned how to ski, and sucked at it. Haha. But It was a fun experience nevertheless. I picked up french and plan to be fluent in this language by the end of this year. I am also learning salsa and joined a table tennis club. I’d very much like to be proficient in both, but alas, time is really an issue here.

    On the personal side, I am still with the guy I am with since six years ago. It hasn’t been easy and if I were to be completely honest, there have been moments where I was doubtful. The distance has really taken a toll on the relationship, we are not as intimate as we used to be anymore and I sometimes feel that something is missing, somewhere. A part of me is hopeful and optimistic because I still love him very much and he is still crazy about me, but I can’t help wondering about our future, sometimes. And if we will still be the same after this three years. But in any case, I am not a person who gives up easily. Especially not something that I have spent years building.

    As for friendships, I have slowed down significantly the friend-search frenzy from the previous year when I just arrived at cern. Whether was it consciously or not, at the back of my head I carried with me the resolution of maintaining and building my relationship with the people around me, instead of forging new ties. And I think I did pretty ok in this aspect. One of the important lessons I learnt last year was definitely this – friendships need effort. I have let my carefree and let-it-be attitude ruined enough important relationships in my life to know the impact of little gestures of affection when compared to something as insignificant as say, my pride.

    Boy was that a long summary of my 2009.

    It was a year where I wandered and found, where I rethought some of my principles and learned to hold back, where I won many and lost little. But there were also moments where I relapsed, where I fought for all the wrong reasons and won without a sense of pride, I blurred my moral and integrity in exchange for temporary gratification, I flirted with danger and nearly got burnt. These moments were fast and sneaky, big and small at the same time. And they were the little black dots on an otherwise clean sheet.

    I achieved almost all of my new year resolutions from last year, but that also left me worn out and constantly edgy. I put too much on my plate and as much as I want to deny this, I am not superwoman. And I suck at time management. My health has taken a back seat in the midst of all these goal-chasing and ticking off boxes of mock accomplishments. I didn’t speak to my family as much as I’d like to and am hugely disappointed with myself for this. I traded self-discipline for leisure and spiritual delight for material indulgence. Although I am doing everything I can to satisfy my need for a sense of fulfillment, somehow there is still this hole buried deep inside me where I couldn’t reach.  I feel like my 18 year old self all over again, angsty, so sure yet so lost, full of contradictions. And that, perhaps, is why I am as I said – melancholic and restless. On the beginning of a new year.

    This wouldn’t have troubled me so much if I had known the cause. At least in the beginning of last year I knew all the what, why and how of my life then, and that had effectively brought on the optimism that kick-started my previous year. Isn’t it ironic that I sounded so much more confident and wise a year ago?

    But ah well, as the wise one once said, it is just a phase and this too, will past. Afterall I did have a kick-ass year, all in all, and I think I’m getting pretty damn good at this unpredictable yo-yo game we sometimes call life.

    So, my new year resolutions this year:

    • Watch my diet (fruits and vegetables everyday, less snacks)
    • Exercise more
    • Do more investment
    • Start doing voluntary work
    • Watch my spending
    • Write and read more
    • Concentrate more on work work
    • Communicate more with my family and bf
    • Keep my friends
    • Explore Geneva more
    • Travel to south and/or north America
    • Be more confident and less self-critical

    With zest, hope and a smile, here is to wishing for a year of adventure, love, friendship and plenty of discoveries! Stay hungry, stay foolish. :)

December 28, 2009

  • Reincarnation

    As much as I would like to convince myself otherwise, I still do not feel comfortable writing a public blog. Gosh has it been one year since my last post? I have been updating regularly (more like, once a month actually) on my other public blog (link) and you can quote me as repeatedly claiming that I have come to terms with baring my heart and soul to the world on a public platform, but in truth, this is not at all true.

    I still fear the repercussions of it all. I am still weary of revealing too much or misleading people. I still dont feel comfortable enough to let people in in my thoughts and life. I still feel the pressure of writing a good and intelligent post, instead of an honest and heartfelt one.

    What if I use the wrong tense/spelling? What if my boss reads it? What if my friends read it? It´s slightly discerning that after all these years, I am still concerned with the same things I was before. Some things never change, and you know what, I figure I dont have to fight it just because I want to experience that pseudo-adrenalin rush of knowing I am evolving, or changing. There are certain things in life that defines who you are, and if I am by definition a fiercely private person and hardcore self-critic. So be it. :)

    I think I know what is stopping me from updating more often on that blog now. Its because of all these nitty gritty little fear I have mentioned above. They are stifling my creativity and freedom of expression. And I cant deny nor ignore the fact that – the quality of my writing is deteriorating. Practice makes perfect, they say. And the lack of writing exercise (which is what blogging is in my dictionary) has somewhat crippled my abilities. The flow of words just dont come as easily anymore.

    Which is a shame, really. Because I am taking up more commitments which are writing related now. Whether is it by chance or by my own initiative, I have/ will be involved in more writing tasks/jobs than I have ever been. Besides being one of the founder and editor of a creative newsletter at cern (thats a story for another day. Note to self: for christs sake write it someday!), I also have several articles due for the fellowship program I am under now. And I am also an online volunteer as a writer/editor for an e-zine of this NGO for refugees under the UN.

    Despite knowing that all these extra commitments will no doubt add a substantial portion to my already full plate, and possibly strain my relationships and impact my health, I cant help but feel excited about it. I am doing what I love, although there are no immediate nor tangible gain for me in sight at the moment, I think I am doing the right thing. Planting a few seeds here and there and who knows someday they might bear fruits.

    And God it feels so good to write here again! :)

January 10, 2009

  • The Annual Transition Report 2008/2009

    So another year has gone by. As a ritual, I have been intending to write a year end review and new year resolution post but somehow at the back of my head I have been dreading this. Not because I have had a bad year, quite the contrary actually. I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to put my feelings into words. Words which are good enough to express what I really feel. The overwhelming feeling has been dragging on for a whole week now, and I know I will eventually have to get down to it. And I am doing this solely for myself. So yeah…. I figure that as long as I am honest and truthful, words will find themselves into my mind.

    I had a wonderful year. :)

    The moving to Switzerland (France, actually) has been both exciting and daunting. I remember the day of the big move. I remember the moment when Kelvin and Kao Choon left and the realization that I am really alone now suddenly hit me hard, I don’t know a single soul here and this is the first time in my life that I will be doing this – to start a life from zero. (Germany doesn’t count, because I had friends with me when I arrived) I remember it was a chilly February morning, I was standing beside the road in front of my apartment seeing the car of Kelvin and KC left. When their car disappeared around the corner I wanted to cry.

    11 months later and here I am. I completed my thesis, started a new job, made many new friends, got to know the city and its surrounding and am finally having somewhat of a life here. I don’t feel like elaborating on the whole experience but something along the line of ‘it was fucking awesome‘ pretty much sums it up.

    And another important thing would be – I graduated this year. 5 years ago, in the second week after I started university, I wrote this paragraph in this blog :

    I might still not have all the answers to the questions I had 5 years ago. But it comforts me to know that I have finally made it through, and have a much clearer idea of what I want out of life now. I am stronger, happier, hopefully wiser and definitely more oriented and confident now. 

    I went home in November and spent a wonderful one month holiday with my family and old friends, after nearly 2 years of being away. I remember the constant and delicate struggle and battles within myself to come to terms with the sometimes conflicting identity and the desire to re-capture my familiarity with the place I grew up in and the people I grew up with. There were frustrations, disappointments and at times indignity, but above all this, I know I love this place and its people and this is the place I belong to. Nothing is ever going to change that.

    Relationship-wise, maintaining a long distance relationship hasn’t been easy. I miss him and the comfort of having someone near me dearly, but as my character would have it, I dislike wallowing in neediness. The busy-ness of coping and building a new life has also somewhat distracted me from overly indulging in self pity. We love each other and this is about all you need to maintain that mythical thing we call faith.

    But there is something that has been bothering me in this whole whirlwind of building-a-new-life endeavor. I cant really put it into words but if I were to write only one sentence to describe it, I would say I haven’t felt spiritually fulfilled much. It has just been too fast paced. I felt like I was being whizzed in and out of occurrence after occurrence, test after test, friendship after friendship, parties after parties, goals after goals and in the chaos of all these intertwining episodes, I realize I haven’t been spending much time (or rather, I haven’t had the time!) reflecting on nor digesting the significance of each little tales.

    I spent more time forging friendships than maintaining them. I partied more than I read. I worked more than I rest. I drank more than I eat. I laughed more than I think. I didn’t visit any new countries. I treated strangers better than myself. I surfed more than I write. I cared too much for the wrong reasons. I was concerned about appearance more than health. I moved quickly but didn’t indulge. I look but didn’t observe. I obliged more than I rebelled. I was accomplished but didn’t feel fulfilled. I bit off more than I can chew. I won in quantities but lost in qualities. 

    In the midst of all these little misplaced energy, I think I have confused superficial happiness with real joy. And that is really something I am not proud of.

    So, in the year of 2009, I want to:

    • Read more
    • Exercise more
    • Learn french
    • Learn how to ski
    • Travel more
    • Spend more time maintaining friendship than making new ones (or at least, keep a healthy balance)
    • Play more music
    • Write more (especially in chinese, I have been neglecting my chinese blog for too long!)
    • Find a platform to do something at least a little bit publication-related
    • Do more investments
    • Concentrate better in building up my career (I am in a whole new field now and there is a lot to be learned)
    • Communicate more with my family

    Let’s see if I can stay true to my own words. :)

    On a separate note, I am also writing in another blog now. It’s my personal website for more official (or tentatively, professional) use and to write more impersonal things, so I will have more reasons to write now. :)

    The link: http://yiling-hwong.com/

    Let me end this serious and mind boggling heavy post with a comic I like

December 29, 2008

  • Revelation of the Century

    I am throwing a fake tantrum and acting out like a baby now. The reason being – A friend asked me what did I do last xmas and I cant remember and when I frantically searched my blog archive to see if I have written anything outrageously happening about it, I cant find anything, because I didnt write anything about it. Zilch. Nada. NOTHING.

    (ah besides a very interesting recap of that legendary concert I organized. Legendary being the totally delusional operational word here)

    (just so you are interested to know, my exact words to Kelvin while I stomped around the room flailing my arms around like a crazy bunny were:

    ” FUCK! Why cant I remember anything I did anymore? I have to blog more! Shit I have to let my blog define and dictate my life!!!” <– please dont take this seriously, I am prone to sudden outburst of insanity

    -_- I thought that is what you are NOT suppose to do?”(read: let blogging define you)

    ” Exactly not!! I will rise above this stereotype!! ROARRR!!”

    )

    And you know why it makes me so mad?

    Because this could only mean two things:

    1. I have become so boring that there is nothing worth writing anymore (ok this cannot be true because it was a conscious choice to reduce blogging, err this is also not true. the truth is – I dont have enough time to blog anymore. Priorities changed. and and….)

    Ohhhhhhh I seee. Ok I am not mad anymore. I have actually changed. For the better. I have been too busy living (haha somehow this sentence sounds funny because err, technically it is redundant to say one is busy living, because unless you have been busy dying, you are always busy living. Well ok busy being the key word here. Some people just squander their lives away doing nothing. Oh come to think of it I think somewhere there is this saying that goes something like ” if you are not busy living, you are busy dying.” so my argument isnt exactly foolproof.

    Hmm, lets see. Where was I again?)

    So forget about the second reason. I dont even remember it anymore. And you know what is great about having a lousy memory?

    I cant even remember to stay mad at myself long enough to finish a decent blogpost.

November 25, 2008

  • An Inconvenient Truth

    I think I figured out the secret to my defense mechanism. Ya know, the weapon we use against emotional mass destruction.

    Instead of saying something cheesy like “The secret is – there is no secret.” I will now explain (to nobody in particular. Oh maybe one day I will blog about the two voices in my head) in detail the formula of my secret. This sort of mental mutilation is precisely the kind of thing I love doing when it is 6.49am in the morning and I am still wide awake.

    So I was staring at the package of the complimentary cocktail cheese biscuit i got from the airline i took back to Geneva, highly aware of the fact that just less than 48 hours ago I was agonizing over the fact that I am leaving behind a huge chunk my life, yet again, to fly to another country too cold and too far away, but now what was left in that part of my chest was merely a numbed sense of loss, far from the heartache I was once capable of.

    And then it hit me. It wasnt that I am not capable of being sad or attached anymore. It was just that I have gone through this so many times that even before my mind could slip into that dark place, my defense mechanism kicks in and cast a shield over the brewing emotional wreckage.

    I was a mess the first time I had to leave home after spending summer holiday at home. I remember crying uncontrollably at the sight of my mum’s back when she was cooking in the kitchen. I felt this insane deep sorrow which (at that time) was incomprehensible to me and became obsessed with finding out why. I still feel sad now when I am leaving, but I recover much quicker. And that was when I came up with the “this is all a cycle” theory and I think I even blogged about this before.

    But I realised something else altogether today.

    This attach-, detach-, and re-attachment cycle that I’ve been going through all these years has brutally (an adjective that I use when something happens unwillingly and the realisation hits me harder than I’d have liked it to) crossed over to my whole approach/attitude towards all my human relationships.

    I grow attached to someone, we grow closer, the warning lights come on and I retreat. And then we fall into some sort of tango where both sides try to figure out the best dance steps towards what I will now call the re-attachment stage.

    Rinse, wash and repeat.

    I grow attached very fast. I have always known this. Human bond is something that I helplessly yearn and willingly so. What slightly unsettles me is how I become detached faster every time this happens. At the back of my head I think something is working day in day out to formulate how I handle all my relationships (family, love and friendship) and with time, this damn “something” is becoming more efficient. 

    And you know what makes the matter worse? (worse as the choice of word here because I do not like what I realise about myself tonight, thus the negative connotation)

    I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 5 years. For those who are or were in a LDR will know what I am talking about. Each reunion (for the lack of a better word) is termed and after a few excruciating pain of saying good bye and quickly getting oneself accustomed to the detachment, it affects me. In more ways than I like.

    And here comes the heart breaking (ha!ha!) part. I think deep down inside, I am still that girl who is terrified by her childhood fear. of being exposed. of being vulnerable. of falling in love. of being hurt. of affinity. of losing control. of ephemeral insanity. And all these come with attachment. And all these are what make a human, human.

    I detest sleepless nights. Now you know why.

     

October 28, 2008

  • Downtime

    I have been laying off blogging for quite some time havent I. A lot has happened since my last entry. I had wanted to blog for many times but everytime i open this browser, something else will crop up and blogging is put aside. It is 2am now. And I cant sleep. So blog it is.

    • I am at home now. And I mean Home home. Not the room I rent in a foreign country (although a bloody gorgeous one at that) and come back to only after a long day’s work. Have been eating a lot and sleeping a lot too. Family time is marvellous. We went to Jerejak island yesterday for a day trip and it was awesome. I want to post some pictures here but I am really lazy to do it, plus I am not really in the mood..
    • Just had a stupid conflict with mum. Think that is the reason I cant sleep now. I am pissed, and fed up. Sometimes I do things with the best intentions at heart but garners the worst outcome/reaction. I am tired of explaining myself, because with some people, it wont get through. It just wont. I am done defending myself.
    • Ok since I have started ranting, why not continue eh. Everybody loves a ranty post. Sometimes I think I am underappreciated for a lot of things I do. I dislike trumpeting or hinting people about the ‘good’ things that I do (at least under stupid social conducts they are considered ‘good’, not so sure about the repercussion on the ego and self importance part though), and I hate people who do so. I know by writing this I am already doing what I said I wont do – sounding all holier than thou and all-mighty – but trust me, I am NOT one who likes to boast. For fucks sake I damn well can write a freaking book about how great I am (please sense the sarcasm here) but really, whats the point? But sometimes it is still nice to have people acknowledge the things you do out of good will, and not just step all over you or totally brush you off. 
    • The thing is. I am so cynical now it scares me sometimes. Its like, nothing anyone could do or is capable of doing will surprise me anymore. I can always see the reason/rationale behind both sides of a story and this is not necessarily a good thing. I dont know what is right and what is wrong anymore. Yeah sure, people always tell me I have a way of making everything sounds better than it is but very little people know that this is not because I am being nice or is incapable of malicious thoughts. It is simply because I dont want to be cynical and doubtful all the time. And most of the time it is not as if people dont really know how fucked-up the world we are living in and how fragile and confusing life is, so I really dont see how cynism can help me to be a happier person. :(  
    • Oookay… blogging is not helping with my mood. So I think I will stop here. Continue another day. maybe.
    • Oh ya. I graduated. Top of my year.
    • I sort of ‘drafted’ out this blog post in my mind about what I will write when I graduate (I have been ‘drafting’ this post in my mind for 4 years now, haha! I do it whenever things get tough and I feel that I wont pull through, ya know.. to make myself believe that I really will one day make it) and now when it finally happened, I have nothing to say anymore. I am just glad I made it. Fucking glad.

September 6, 2008

  • Six Months And Two Haircuts Later

    To be honest, I didnt like CERN when I first set foot on it.

    I still remember my first day vividly. I was in one of the world’s largest and oldest scientific research centre, walking down a narrow corridor. On the wall there were pictures and diagrams of the history of our universe and how it was formed. It was scary and overwhelming. On my left and right there were small rooms, dimly lit, with the sound of computer working in the background and people (who looked like they jumped out of a sci-fi novel, ya know, the Einstein type) staring at the screen like the secret of mankind is hidden right behind that luminous piece of electronics.

    I remember thinking to myself, “Crap, this is so not what I imagined it to be.”

    Gloomy. That was the word that came to my mind when I walked down that corridor. I still didnt know if my decision to come here was right. I dindt know if all the dramas I went through in order to get myself here was worth it afterall. And then I told myself no matter how bad this will turn out to be, it will only be six months and then I will be gone. CERN will be history and just another chapter in my life.

    How wrong was I.

    I got to know a 200cm guy from Hungary and two polish guys on my first day who are now one of my best friends here. And then our circle grew bigger, and bigger and bigger. We even have a t-shirt designed for ourselves. Trust me, I know this is way.too.cliche to be happening at this age. But hey, it was fun and… actually we dont need any more reason other than fun. I later found out that this applies to most of the things here.


    Our T-Shirt. “Its Good To Be Bad”. The tagline comes from me. :D

    And I also got to know a german girl on my first day who was really sweet. I remember holding her bag for her on the first day when she had to run back to another building because she forgot something. And I remember she told me about her geeky physicist boyfriend back in germany. We see eachother a few times after the first day, but somewhere along the road, we went our separate ways.


    The boys

    The above two paragraph actually sums up how human relationships go, here at CERN. People come, you click, you stay together, share secrets, develop a bond. Or the opposite happens, People come, you exchange names and pleasantries, you dont click and you lose touch. These things happen so fast and in a frequency so high that sometimes I feel like I am in a big big circus, fascinated and enchanted, but at the same time a bit lost and insecure. I am still trying to get use to this. I have had like 20 farewell parties in the span of six months and trust me when I say I really dont like good-byes and I suck at it.


    The girls

    And then there is my boss.

    I was in the department secretary office on my first day doing all the formalities. When we finished she offered to call my boss to ask him to pick me up as our building was kinda far. I remember her giggling like a school girl while on the phone and when she put down the phone, she winked at me and said, “You will like him. He is an awesome guy.” I was a bit puzzled by her blushing, but stayed interested.

    Marco (yup, thats my boss and he is italian) entered the office a few minutes later and right there and then I understood the giggles, the winking and the blushing. He was mighty good looking and unsettlingly charming.

    Which I later found out are his only strengths. ;) Well not entirely true, of course. But that is another story for another day. It suffices to say that he is involuntarily cocky and very, very cheeky. “You have a boyfriend in Germany? He is from malaysia?! Come one! You are not a real woman until you have tried italian man!”. He said this in front of everybody during one of our BBQ, not in a flirtatious way of course, he is married with two kids. But you can see what I mean by he is cocky. Heh. No matter what, I am still grateful towards him for a lot of things.

    I also didnt like CERN in the beginning because all the people in my section speak french. And it was really difficult for me during coffee sessions or meeting because I will be feeling totally out of place, not understanding a word but trying to appear composed and polite. I gradually mastered the “I dont mind at all that I dont understand a fuck you guys are talking about” expression, just because I wanted to avoid the pitying glances and understanding nods. Seriously, I hated that. But it got better after two months of french lesson and a bunch of very very eager to teach colleagues. And I am determined to master this language.


    Alex. He gave me a blank notebook and a note telling me to “find my creativity” as my farewell gifts

    I guess I was also very lucky that there are a lot of young people in my section. It made the “warming up to people” stage a lot easier for me. In the beginning I had my mind set on being “just colleagues and not friends” with the people I work with, despite them being the same age as me and we get a long really well. Because I thought that was the right thing to do and also because that was how things were in Germany. But after a few months I got to know these people better, I realised how hard it is to be just colleagues with them. I realised how narrow minded I was and how there is really no point in trying to hold people at arms length when clearly, we are having so much fun as friends and I cant deny the potential impact these people will have on me once I let my guard down.

    Everything that I have gotten used to in Germany, every mindset, every rule, every societal ethics, everything was turned upside down here. I know it is childish and perhaps a bit unfair or premature to say this, but this is fucking awesome. Somewhere deep down in my heart I have always known that Germany is not the place for me. Yes I could try to love the place and the people, I could learn to appreciate the efficiency and the tidiness, I could even  blend in and be one of them. Heck I have done that and I am even proud to say that after four years I have fitted in pretty well. But somewhere along the way I have distorted my original self. I have lost the real me, I know good things never come easy and hardship is part of the challenge anyway. But when your gut feeling tells you it is not right, it probably is.


    Daniel left this on my desk after we had a heart-to-heart talk about how he undermines his own strength. My most favourite post-it ever. Makes me smile everytime i see it

    But it is totally different here. I dont know how to put it into words but I guess the best way to say it is, I feel at ease. I feel like I am allowed to be myself and nothing is holding me back. Opportunities are abundant. You just have to look for it and be brave enough to do it. There are activities lining up 24/7. Sailing, skiing, music, jazz, salsa, chess, concerts, book clubs etc. They sell beer and champagne in the canteen. I stand in line in the post office in the main building and I hear 10 different languages spoken around me. I could walk into a building not knowing what to expect and suddenly be greeted with a grand piano. People wear khakis and flip flops in summer. Guys play computer games at work. This place is like heaven for scientist as Google is heaven for geeks. Some guy does yoga and stands on his head right in the middle of the field in full view of everyone having lunch. I could get in to work anytime I want and leave anytime I want. When the weather is great we drive to the swimming pool and play ping pong during lunch break. The Jura mountain is the backdrop of our workplace. There are trees, flowers and even sheeps everywhere. The dessert in the restaurant is awesome. They sell chocolates and coffee in every vending machine. Treasure hunt on a hot summer evening. A guy ran naked wearing only his hat during the annual cern marathon and everybody cheers for him. I know more about the countries in the world and its people and culture in this six months than I have in the past 25 years of my life.

    This is a place where people ask “Why not?” instead of “Why?”. I have always have this reprimanding and passive aggressive mentality of asking “why?” when a challenge or change is presented to me. It suffocates creativity and suppresses individuality. It is the reflexive defensive inquisitivity that I have been trained to have, for the way I was brought up and educated – to respect rules and not challenge authority. A friend will suggest cheese and nutella for dinner and with furrowed brows I will ask, “Why?!” and he will say “Why not?”. Most of the time, I cant find a good reason to refute that and we will go ahead and experiment. And this does not only apply to dessert. :)


    I left my desk to wait for my program to run and came back to find this pasted on my screen. lol

    I think now I know what is the biggest most important thing I like about this place – Freedom. I am rebellious by nature and tamed by nurture. Although it might sound pretentious and hypocritical for me to say this, but I think as much as I disliked the rigidity of Germany, I am still glad that I have lived there for four years and immersed in their culture. I was forced and learned to be organized, to be goal oriented, to be ruthless (sometimes we need this), to be aggressive and most of all, to recognize my boundaries. These are priceless things that Germany has given me and now, I feel that I am ready and more equipped to face this different world. I feel like I can finally spread my wings a little now. And it is a magical feeling.


    The place where I live

    So you can imagine how ecstatic I am when I knew that I got a job at cern.

    Yes the job I was talking about in my previous post. I got it. I got my dream job as a fellow under the Marie Curie program. The list of incredible things I will be experiencing under this 3 year fellowship program is just too good to be true. There will be a lot of traveling opportunities for me and the money is good. For the first time since I left home for Europe, I am looking forward to something. :)


    I was on the phone when I received the good news about my job and Daniel wrote this to me

    I want to write this all down not because I wanted to let you know how great cern is, but because these things and feelings that I have gone through and am still going through now are precious to me. One day, I will read back at this post and either laugh at how naive and silly I am, or I will look back at these days of my life with a twinkle in my eyes and a smile on my lips, knowing that I have once had these wondrous memories, this amazing experience, this wonderful hopefullness and zest. And perhaps then, this chapter can truly be closed. :)

August 17, 2008

  • We Need Rules To Be Free

    I experienced a profound moment this morning while staring at the pale white wall before me. I havent been feeling exactly on top of the world for the past few weeks, due to a lot of nitty gritty issues. Anger, frustration, insecurity and whole lot of indignation have put me in a pensive and rather snappy mood. And then while being totally engulfed in all these negative emotions today, I suddenly remembered something someone told me a few years ago

    In 10 years time, all these issues you are having now will seem so small and petty.

    And just like that, I am fine again. Think bigger picture.

    I have wanted to blog for a long time actually, but its either I didnt have the time to, or whenever I have the mood to pen down something, I was deterred by the thought of the audience that will be reading this. But honestly, I cant be arsed anymore about little matters like this when there are bigger problems waiting to eat me up. Like for eg WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO LEE CHONG WEI TODAY?!

    And because there are too many things that I want to say, so again, point form it is.

    • I am in the last month of my thesis and am writing the damn report now. I am currently at 103 pages and I have set my target at 150 pages. The first thing people ask me when I tell them that I am writing my report is always “So, am I in your Acknowledgement section?”. Love it when people can totally see the priority of things. hehe.
    • I think The Dark Knight is seriously over-hyped. Or maybe I just had toooooo high expectation of the movie after what everyone has been raving about. I walked out of the cinema feeling… cheated. But the joker was still terrific. I was telling my friend that I am terrifed of clowns and think that they should be banned from the face of earth when suddenly a very important thought hit me – what is the difference between a joker and a clown?
    • For the past few weeks I have been having a lot of heated discussion/debate with a few of my colleagues about some very heavy topics like Life, Love, Sex, Gender, Need, Elephant (hahaha! hey elephant is the heaviest animal on earth, or is it the sperm whale? err, nevermind) etc. At the risk of sounding like a pretentious elitist, I am actually very grateful that I have had these discussion because in the process of it all, I have come to realise a lot of things about the world, and about myself. I love mentally stimulating conversation with opinionated people. Fence-sitters are so not cool.
    • I met the greatest guitarist I have ever known in my life up till now when hitchhiking a few months ago and we have been hanging out quite a bit. I cant help wondering if there is some divine intervention in all these occurance to remind me from time to time to never forget my passion. It is always through pure chance that I stumble upon people who share my interest. And its wonderful. :)
    • I am waiting anxiously for an answer from the Marie Curie Fellowship program of CERN. If I do get this job, I am going to treat every single soul I know to a beer. Yes you can quote me on this.
    • I have a lot of practical and legal issues to sort out lately. Sometimes I wish that I have someone to just tell me what to do. But then again, I’d probably be too stubborn to listen. Sigh
    • “When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth
      and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for
      a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall — think
      of it, always.”
      – Mahatma Gandhi
      I read this and tears welled up in my eyes. I dont know why, and I should really ponder upon it.
    • All through my teenage years, people always tell me I am a person who is annoyingly optimistic. Truth is, I am not. I hope for the best, yes. But I always, always expect the worst. I bear scars from my childhood that until now still wakes me up in the middle of the night, crying. I once wished to shed them away, thinking they made me ugly, and cynical. But now, not anymore. I have come to embrace the fact that everything that I have gone through is part of me and what makes me the person I am. And in the process of doing that I also learnt something very important – Love heals.
    • There is nothing more annoying than having a horny cat in the house who yells murder at 6am everyday.
    • Oh wait, there is something more annoying than horny cats – tactless people. I met someone who is so blatantly racist and dense you wouldnt believe
      it. Apart from being annoyingly attention seeking, he is also a
      show-off, precisely the kind of people I hate. After knowing that I
      come from malaysia, he said to me “Ah so you must be rich!” (just
      because he read from somewhere that chinese controls the economy in
      malaysia *roll eyes*) Fucking moron. The other day we were
      watching the olympics with some friends and he was chanting “USA!USA!”
      the whole time, just to piss people off i guess. And when the USA team
      beat China he yelled into my ears “AHA! Chinese sucks!”. My friend got
      so annoyed and tried to stop him from saying anything offensive anymore
      and he yelled back “Come on! She is not even chinese, she is
      malaysian!”. Uh-huh. Clever boy. Seriously. Fuck you.
    • “There is no moment better than now.” Daddy told me this. We are so much happier when we are able to appreciate the bright side of things. The silver lining is something that keeps me going. :)
    • I have become so accustomed to being disappointed and hurt by hypocritical people who dont care but pretend that they do, that when some people (which are far from being a good friend yet, given the brief time that we just knew eachother) show the slightest sign of care, I dont know how to react anymore. The firm but gentle push was something that I needed, however subtle it was. I need to let down my guard a little and let people in sometimes but I really suck at that. :(
    • I received an email from Ulrich (my ex boss) the other day and it got me so excited. I wrote a long ass reply to him and felt so happy thereafter. hehe. Long ass emails rock!

    • Source of above comic : http://xkcd.com/ I love their comics a lot. So cute and sweet. And smart. ahem.

    •  And mummy this is to show you that I have been eating right and am still radiant as ever.

      And one from my trip to the south of france last month

      Told ya I am strong. lol

      Ok now a more normal one

      There are many many more with me and McD all over france and swiss thanks to Sebastian.

      Oh and the point of the title of this post is actually just to remind myself that, despite what I have always believed in – Rules are meant to be broken, we do need them in order to be free. True freedom can only be achieved within the limits of a certain entity. With no boundaries or confinements holding us back, we’ll lose sight of the  purpose. And what is freedom without a purpose? 

June 24, 2008

  • Before Sunset   

    I watched this movie yesterday and absolutely love it. It reminds me of how love and romance should be. I have the urge to write poems and songs on my guitar after watching it. And I want him to be here to listen to me. I love the conversations in the movie. Its so real and uncomplicated. And I adore the ending. Just the way I like it. Ahhh the things Nina Simone does to us.

    Most of the time I’m pretty level headed and sensible, but I think deep deep deep deep down inside I’m also just another hopeless romantic.

    And isnt that a wonderful revelation? :)